Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Weird faces

Sometimes when browsing the vast online shopping realm that is the internet, I happen upon an article of clothing that I just cannot take seriously, like this:

They hid her face to preserve her anonymity. 

Because everyone wants long strings coming from their waist that cover their crotch like an ineffective loin cloth. We call it "Pocahontas in Tatters".  Or, "The Fugly Waist Beard".  This beauty brought to you from Urban Outfitters, $69.

But the real treasure is crazy model faces. You know, when you can just tell they are confused because the photographer has told them "SMIZE! IMAGINE HOT SEXY PENGUINS SLIPPING DOWN A WATERFALL OF SENSATION!" Or they are fed up after hundreds of takes, scores of clothing changes, and lots of bright lights. Or, sometimes, they just don't have a clue. This of course happens all the time in regular print ads in magazines or newspapers, but often goes unnoticed in online shopping. No more!


<Insert Halo Here>

"I am angelic, virginal, pure....hamburgers....I mean, serenity! Innocence! You can have it all if you buy this bow! Just not my hamburger. Get your own!"

 The Aggressively Over-bleached "Sex Pot"
"Yeah, I'm sexy. Seducing you right now. You are so convinced. You are mesmerized..."  

The "WE ARE SO COOL" Girls who secretly hate each other
Girl on the Left: OMG I'm so over it but LOOK AT THIS NECKLACE!
Girl on the Right: UGH how DARE she be in this shot with me can't she see I'm WORKING IT HERE?!
Girl on the Left:  *Eye roll*
Girl on the Right: Rude.

Miss Attitude
Buy this dress or I mess you up with my awkward hand-claw. Be afraid. 

Depressed Elegance
 This dress makes me so happy. No, really.

Mayhaps Hamlet shalt returneth if I but pull my hair in a forlorn manner. Mayhaps thou wilst purchase this dress?

Wounded Chic
This totally vintage, used head wrap from the Civil War can be yours for just $29.99! Natural dyes only. 

The Horse
 Ignore the fact that I look like a horse, just focus on how sexy I am. Now buy this dress. Put the YAY in NEIGH!

Dazed and Confused

Some of my all-time favorites, though, come from browsing "club wear" websites. They have less money to pay more professional models and give more direction like "Look sexy!", "Look HOT!", "Imagine you're seeing a hot guy you wanna go home with!" Or at least that's what I imagine they've been told when I see the following facial expressions:


Hey boys. I have to pee. One sec.

This is a real person, not a wax figurine. She will bring all the boys to the yard, someday. 

Honorable Mention goes to Coco Rocha, who for sheer weirdness of face I could not leave out of this post. She's an international, incredibly famous supermodel, considered very beautiful by many. I think she looks crazy. She's normally a great model though. As the infallible Tyra Banks has said, "Coco is not afraid of the ugly/pretty." Yes, there is such a thing as going "ugly/pretty," and unlike retard, you must go full. I think Coco was blessed with the instinctual ability to do so in most of her photos. 

Sexy Gone Strange
Ello, lovaz. I am selling nail polish, een case you ver not avare. I am squeenting my eyez to make zem look sexee. Alzo, steeking my finger in my mouth vill tempt you to buy zees nail polish.  

Now for sheer weirdness that actually shows what her face looks like 70% of the time in ads and on the runway:

"The Banshee"

I had a pretty good time writing this post because this is something I've been thinking about for a while. If you guys find any crazy faces of your own while browsing, let me know in the comments and I'll post them up!

Happy shopping,

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