Wednesday, November 2, 2011

What are pants? Baby don't hurt me no more...

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry that I didn't post yesterday. Tuesdays are pretty busy for me and I forgot that I had to go sleep in a lab at 10 pm for $$ so I didn't have internet for the night. Apparently though, I am really skilled at taking sensors out of caps on my head while I'm sleeping that are supposed to be reading brainwaves. Who knew?

Today I would like to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: leggings. Specifically, why leggings are NOT pants, and why you should NOT treat them as such. All that I am about to say also applies to jeggings. To clarify before I begin: I have no problem with leggings under skirts, under shirts that cover your butt, dresses, pants (for warmth), or thick, athletic leggings to exercise in. But leggings as pants IS NOT AND SHOULD NOT be a thing.


Exhibit A:

Why didn't you just go pantsless? At least make it look like you did it on purpose.

Exhibit B (courtesy of Paris Hilton):

Oh Paris. I don't think anyone is surprised by your lack of underwear anymore. I would just like to point out that it's TOTALLY GROSS to go shopping commando. YOU HAVE TO TRY ON CLOTHES THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY TRIED ON AND WILL IN THE FUTURE. Okay, caption rant done.

If those photos aren't convincing, there's more....

The Corollary: THIS guy is RIGHT behind you!

I can see everything. Everything. Eeeeveeerryyyythiiiiiinggg.....

Okay, so THAT particular guy is probably not right behind you, but men are. So are women, small children, and innocent animals. NONE of these folks/innocent animals need to see your butt, underwear, or cellulite.  Guys will take any excuse to check you out, and they do it anyway. They don't need your help to picture you naked!  Plus, leggings aren't all that flattering, as you'll see next:

/EDIT @ 11:34 am EST

FB conversation with a boy:

u made your first fashion faux pas on your blog
leggings are pants
yeah cuz guys are creepers
we just appreciate a good fashion sense
which includes leggings

Boy: wasn't me!          


Exhibit A:

She probably has a great butt and nice legs. Now she just looks like vacuum-wrapping gone wrong.

Exhibit B (courtesy of Mischa Barton):

Not only does this reveal she has no butt, it also makes her look like she has cankles!

The Corollary:

Yes, there are exceptions. Kim Kardashian will always look curvaceous and fit in leggings. She is Kim Kardashian and that is her job. However, leggings are a problem if you are not a celebrity, are not a celebrity who looks like Kim Kardashian, if you have no butt, if you have a really jiggly butt, if you have a big butt and are wearing leggings that are too small so that you get problem #1 (as seen above), if you have panty lines, or if you get a wedgie:


Okay. Now, hopefully, you are all ready to wear leggings in any way BUT as pants. Just one last word of advice. Stay away from this kind of godforsaken legging: capri or calf-length.

Did I forget to mention that the only acceptable colors of leggings are black, dark gray, and dark brown? 

These hideous capri leggings are unflattering for EVERYONE. They make your calves look big and are just an awkward length with anything. Also if you wear boots, they stick out of the tops of your boots and it just looks bad. STAY AWAY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAY AWAY.

I bet she wishes she hadn't done that. Also, leggings with any sort of pattern are a bad call.

Okay, there you have it. NO LEGGINGS AS PANTS! NO LEGGINGS AS PANTS! NO! BAD! NO! If you don't think these reasons apply to you, that your leggings are never see-through, or that you are like Kim Kardashian, think again. I promise. Got it? Good. Done ranting now, honest.


  1. No leggings with patterns? But I have an AWESOME pair that is a black-and-grey floral lace print, and I have never gotten anything but compliments on them. Probably because I wear them like tights, which is to say under a dress and tucked into boots, and really, what bad can you say about six inches immediately surrounding the knee?

  2. I agree--if they look like tights and are not worn as pants, it's okay! Rock on, Julia!